she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
