I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
