If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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