So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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