Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
