So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
