I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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