Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
