My friends, they love my intelligence
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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