hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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