The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
