We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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