I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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