Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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