Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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