I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
