i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
