I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
