I want to have your abortion
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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