What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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