When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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