I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i came on her dog
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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