I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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