The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
