she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
