I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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