Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
