my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
