you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
