then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
