It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
