If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
