she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
