My cat gives me a boner
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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