if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
two words: eviction party
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize