Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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