Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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