I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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