i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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