I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
