I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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