Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
