Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
