theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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