We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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