So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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