if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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