you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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