I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
