yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
