My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
birth control should be required to get into college
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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