Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
