I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
