Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
