I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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