I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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