I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
