I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
